It's July 25, 2012. This post has been way overdue. I've procrastinated it on more than one occasion, and today it is eating me up inside.
The year was 1982, I had graduated from high school and everyone, I mean everyone was asking me what I was going to do with my life. I enrolled in a night school course at Community College of Southern Nevada for the fall, I was turning 18 in October, and I was scared to death of my future. Why you ask was I scared? Because I knew my inner secret and the impact it would have on my dear family...pretty active and devout members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I didn't dare tell anyone at that time of my secret.
I met with my Bishop who wanted to advance me in the Priesthood from Priest to Elder...I declined. I didn't know if I would be going on a mission for the Church, or if I would be going away to school to study for at-the-time my intended profession of being a Pharmacist. I waited several months to pass and we met again. This time I told him my secret...I was same sex attracted...gay. I cried and curled up into a ball in the chair, I couldn't look him in the eye. He asked those questions, to which I answered that I was still a virgin in every aspect of my life. He counseled me to serve a Mission to help cure me. I was called to be a Sunday School Teacher to the 16 year olds...I almost threw up. I read my scriptures, I read the Miracle of Forgiveness, I prayed morning, noon, and night. I waited till I was 19.5 years old to submit my papers to Salt Lake City to obtain a mission call. I was worthy in every way except my thoughts.
I was called to serve for 18 months in the Asuncion Paraguay Mission. I was to learn Spanish and to labor among the people there. I was scared, anxious, excited...TERRIFIED! I had known since I was about 6 or 7 that I was different, understanding about 10 or 11 what I was...GAY...A HOMOSEXUAL. I wondered how this would play out during the 18 months to be in such close proximity to another man for so long. I'm happy to say that it all turned out to be ok, no problems, no issues, no worries. I served with some great young men, who I grew to love in a Christ-like manner and still cherish the memories I have of my Mission.
I had struggles, it was not all ice cream and cake. I got sick, dropping from my entry weight of 175 LBS to around 120, and still dropping. Ten months into my service in Paraguay after a Doctor's appointment, when I was at 110 LBS, I asked to return home. I was told no by my parents, my Stake President, and my Mission President as well as the Missionary Council in SLC. I was transferred to the Montevideo Uruguay Mission. I gained some weight back, about 9 LBS, and worked hard to loose myself again. The Mission President tried to get me to extend for 6 more months, but I had again dropped weight, getting to my low of about 107, and weighed a whopping 109 when I actually stepped foot in the airport in Las Vegas, NV on March 15, 1986, 18 months later.
I met with my Church leaders to report, all was well. I confessed to my Bishop that I was still the same and he encouraged me to date...women, fall in love, get married, and have babies...it would cure me.
On 23 March, I reported my missionary experience to my Ward...the Ward I had grown up in all my life. It was there, my dear friend Janae, introduced me to Princess. I was smitten. So vibrant. So full of life and Joy. Her big smile, her bright green eyes and her light brown hair (dark blonde she would insist). We saw each other at dances and firesides and other events, but on the night of 7 February after Janae's wedding reception, we began to date. We dated every night until the night I asked her to marry me. I was full blown in love/lust with this beautiful woman and wanted to be with her...but how would she be with me...a homosexual...a gay man...should I tell her? Well, she said yes and we were engaged and set the date for 14 August 1987 in the SLC Temple. I never told her...my biggest regret of my life.
We married. Tried to have babies for 11 years. Had none, only one pregnancy, and we made do with our lives. I became so anxious, so bound up, that I could not take the pressure any more and I met someone and broke my marriage vows. The affair lasted about 4 months, then I ended it. Then I confessed to Princess, breaking her heart. I promised never again. I was excommunicated and spent years alone and together in therapy "finding my/our way". We moved from Vegas in 2001 to Waco, TX for my job, built a house and settled in making friends. I sat alone in the chapel during Sunday School (Princess was in Primary), and again alone in Priesthood. Eventually I was deemed worthy to be baptized again and in August 2002 after 8 arduous years repenting Princesses Dad baptized me into the Church...again. I was called to be the sunbeam teacher, the scout advancement chairperson, and choir director 3 months later. I loved teaching and I loved the choir, scouts was not my forte and most new it well. But Choir, oh how I loved it! Princess poured her heart into it as well organizing the binders, music, etc. We had anywhere from 34 to 40 choir members and we sounded terrific (yes, i'm not modest on this one).
Princess and I made do, living, and working, but not really loving. Our intimate life faded to the back seat and I became more and more agitated with me, us, the state i was in with regards to our/my life. Then the summer of 2009, I was called in to meet with the Bishop, who presented me with a letter from Church Headquarters. Since I had not had my Temple covenants restored, they assumed that I was back to my old ways. I wasn't. I decided that if it took me 8 years to repent, It should be double that for me to be worthy to enter the Temple again. The letter told me of the Church policy that because of my repeated (really, they knew) homosexual activity, I was not allowed to work with any youth under the age of 18. I was in the same category as a rapist, child molester and one who practices incest! My heart broke. That was the beginning of the end for Princess and I. I became depressed and planned how I would take my own life on a business trip and make it look like a car accident. I could never be forgiven...contrary to what the Church teaches about repentance.
June 2010, I travelled home to vegas for work. I was there for almost two weeks. I counseled with my family, and when I returned home to Texas, having their support for me as a person, brother, family, son, Uncle, I asked Princess for a divorce. We cried that night. We cried for quite a while over the next week. Sometime in July, I moved into the guest room, where I stayed until relocating to New Jersey for my job. Oh, I just jumped ahead. We stayed married for Princess to have my insurance due to other health issues that she had developed. In June 2011 I found out my job was changing and I would eventually have to relocate from Texas to another city where my employer had offices/plants. Princess decided to not come with me...I offered for us to live as roommates but remain married so she would have insurance. She said no. She contacted her old employer in Vegas, was told there was a job in January and that it was hers. We packed her up and moved her to Vegas on 23 December 2011. I was awarded the job in New Jersey 16 December 2011, made two trips here, one in January, one in February, and moved into temp housing in March 2012. Our house sold in May...that's another story for another entry. I moved into an apartment near work, and now Princess and I are navigating the best course for our divorce.
To all who will read this let me say the following:
1) My biggest regret is not telling her my secret so long ago.
2) For the rest of my life, I will carry with me the look on her face when I broke her heart due to the affair.
3) My love for Princess is deep and real. She is, was, and always will be special to me and I will hold her in the highest regard of any woman or human being.
4) If there is an example of Christ-like Love on this earth...it is Princess. She embodies true characters of the Savior for all man-kind, and animal kind.
5) Princess is the most talented woman I have ever known (next to my Mom), and is very modest about it.
6) She is my best friend and the amount of dignity she has shown is incredible.
There are many more qualities that Princess embodies, but I will keep those between her and myself.
I share this with the world so that all will know that my decision was not light, was not easy, but was necessary for her to find the man that will make her happy...and for me too.
J
Monday, January 21, 2013
As Time Goes By....
It's January 2013. Princess and I have been officially separated for 2.5 years, the divorce is not yet final, and we have navigated some very complex issues/situations during that time. The most amazing thing is that we continue to be very good friends and tell each other everything is happening in each other's lives.
I've settled into an apartment in New Jersey. Work is challenging to say the least. So far I've purchased a sofa, ottoman, chair, two end tables, two lamps, a mirror and some glasses! Yeah, I threw the glasses thing in there at the last minute!
Princess is doing well in Vegas, working, living with the "rents" (parents), and having a blast getting reacquainted with old friends while making some new ones. She has joined a gym and has lost over 30 LBS exercising.
We both look forward to the day that we get to begin dating and having the next chapter in our lives unfold. I'm happy. She's happy. We are both good. Sure we both have our down days, but there are more up days than down (at least when we speak, she tells me that and I know it for me).
Thank you to everyone who sent a Christmas Card. Hopefully I got one out to you before the holiday, otherwise, it's going to be until next year! LOL!
Jim
I've settled into an apartment in New Jersey. Work is challenging to say the least. So far I've purchased a sofa, ottoman, chair, two end tables, two lamps, a mirror and some glasses! Yeah, I threw the glasses thing in there at the last minute!
Princess is doing well in Vegas, working, living with the "rents" (parents), and having a blast getting reacquainted with old friends while making some new ones. She has joined a gym and has lost over 30 LBS exercising.
We both look forward to the day that we get to begin dating and having the next chapter in our lives unfold. I'm happy. She's happy. We are both good. Sure we both have our down days, but there are more up days than down (at least when we speak, she tells me that and I know it for me).
Thank you to everyone who sent a Christmas Card. Hopefully I got one out to you before the holiday, otherwise, it's going to be until next year! LOL!
Jim
Friday, June 03, 2011
Adjusting
Tomorrow will mark the two week point since Sasha passed away. It's been a hard two weeks. Lot's of tears, lot's of heartache, and lot's of longing.
After the whole ordeal, I had to travel to Boston on Monday. On one of my plane rides (had to go to Boston via Chicago) my seat mate, Will, and I commiserated on the loss of our friends. His had passed away two years ago and he still was "weepy" when he talked about Fritzy. Seeing this, I didn't feel so bad about being more than "weepy" talking about Sasha. When I returned home, we picked up Sasha (see previous post), and then Melanie left for Boise.
Melanie had a great time in Boise. She was excited to see the nieces and nephews, and to spend time with Kara before she left for her mission to South Dakota! She ate Taco Time, Iceberg, went to Winco (we love Winco), baked pound cakes, and had time to visit with family. I stayed behind to look after Sadie.
Sadie and I cleaned, we washed, we vacuumed, we dusted, we ironed the whole time we were together. I know, you're saying "B O R I N G!", but it was a way to keep me occupied. Plus, Melanie came home to a clean house and I have no un-ironed shirts in my closet! BONUS!
We're adjusting to only having one girl (the four legged kind) roaming around the house. It's not been easy, but it's getting better.
I wanted to say thanks to all of our friends that sent cards, called, dropped a note by, and kept us in their prayers. We both appreciated it and we both appreciate you so much. Thanks!
J
After the whole ordeal, I had to travel to Boston on Monday. On one of my plane rides (had to go to Boston via Chicago) my seat mate, Will, and I commiserated on the loss of our friends. His had passed away two years ago and he still was "weepy" when he talked about Fritzy. Seeing this, I didn't feel so bad about being more than "weepy" talking about Sasha. When I returned home, we picked up Sasha (see previous post), and then Melanie left for Boise.
Melanie had a great time in Boise. She was excited to see the nieces and nephews, and to spend time with Kara before she left for her mission to South Dakota! She ate Taco Time, Iceberg, went to Winco (we love Winco), baked pound cakes, and had time to visit with family. I stayed behind to look after Sadie.
Sadie and I cleaned, we washed, we vacuumed, we dusted, we ironed the whole time we were together. I know, you're saying "B O R I N G!", but it was a way to keep me occupied. Plus, Melanie came home to a clean house and I have no un-ironed shirts in my closet! BONUS!
We're adjusting to only having one girl (the four legged kind) roaming around the house. It's not been easy, but it's getting better.
I wanted to say thanks to all of our friends that sent cards, called, dropped a note by, and kept us in their prayers. We both appreciated it and we both appreciate you so much. Thanks!
J
Friday, May 27, 2011
Sweet Sasha
Sasha came to our house the last week of September 2001, having been born on 14 August of the same year. She and her sister Sarah were just the cutest little wiener dog puppies, running, cuddling, sneaking out of the yard under the new fence. We had just moved into our house after being without a four legged friend in our lives for five months. Sadie had stayed behind in Las Vegas with Grandma and Grandpa. We picked up the two little girls so that Sadie would have a playmate, and Grandma and Grandpa's pup, Little Foot, would also have a playmate.
Grandma and Grandpa arrived at our house on Thursday, 4 October to bring us Sadie, help us get settled, and experience a bit of the wide open space called Texas. At the end of their two week visit, we sat in the living room with the two little girls, we hadn't named them yet and one wore a purple collar, the other a pink collar. Grandma on one side, Melanie on the other, the two puppies in the middle. Next thing you knew, Miss purple (Sasha) crawled up into Melanie's lap, and Miss pink, crawled into Grandma's lap. They had chosen their own parents.
Over the years, we learned to love Sasha and her little quirks. Her head turns, the way her eyes looked at you, her furrowed little brow. We learned to look down before stepping. If I was home alone she was my shadow, if Melanie were home alone, she was Melanie's shadow. If we were home together, I could coax her to sit with me for a minute, but she had to be with her Momma at all times. We got used to her licking her front paws...for what seemed like hours on end. Oh how she liked to lick. We learned to take off our glasses before getting kissed, otherwise you were wiping off your lenses when you were done. Sasha was a great friend, and family member.
Last Friday 20 May, I'm travelling home from California, stuck with delays in Houston, only to have my flight cancelled. As I'm arranging a car to drive home, Melanie calls me frantic as she's on her way to the vet's office. Sasha had gone blind. We don't know why. We don't know what happened, she had gone blind. I got to the house around 10:30 and she kissed my face, glasses and all, wagged her tail, and ate some warmed chicken broth, little did we know it would be her last meal. During the night she became sick and started to pass a lot of blood. We took her to the vet, who told us that there was not anything they could do. We made the super hard decision to end her suffering and put her to sleep. I believe she knew it was time. She was so calm and laid there in her favorite Scooby Doo blanket so calm. They took her back and prepped her leg then brought her to us to hold and to kiss and to cuddle with. The staff and the vet were so wonderful, so caring, so loving. Within seconds, she slipped from this earth, crossed over the rainbow bridge and went frolicking into the fields with Little Foot and Duke. We cried, sobbed, and held onto each other for dear life. We held her one last time, and bathed her face with tears and kisses, and like that we were left the vet's office to go make arrangements.
On Wednesday, we picked up our baby, held so preciously in a beautiful stainless steel urn with doggie paw prints on it, her collar, and her Scooby Doo blanket. We brought her home, placed her on the mantel and draped her collar around the urn. She now is with us at all times in the house and we are better and blessed for having her in our lives.
For our little angel Sasha, 14 August 2001 to 21 May 2011. We love you and miss you with all our hearts.
Until we meet you again at the rainbow bridge Sasha.
All our Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Grandma and Grandpa arrived at our house on Thursday, 4 October to bring us Sadie, help us get settled, and experience a bit of the wide open space called Texas. At the end of their two week visit, we sat in the living room with the two little girls, we hadn't named them yet and one wore a purple collar, the other a pink collar. Grandma on one side, Melanie on the other, the two puppies in the middle. Next thing you knew, Miss purple (Sasha) crawled up into Melanie's lap, and Miss pink, crawled into Grandma's lap. They had chosen their own parents.
Over the years, we learned to love Sasha and her little quirks. Her head turns, the way her eyes looked at you, her furrowed little brow. We learned to look down before stepping. If I was home alone she was my shadow, if Melanie were home alone, she was Melanie's shadow. If we were home together, I could coax her to sit with me for a minute, but she had to be with her Momma at all times. We got used to her licking her front paws...for what seemed like hours on end. Oh how she liked to lick. We learned to take off our glasses before getting kissed, otherwise you were wiping off your lenses when you were done. Sasha was a great friend, and family member.
Last Friday 20 May, I'm travelling home from California, stuck with delays in Houston, only to have my flight cancelled. As I'm arranging a car to drive home, Melanie calls me frantic as she's on her way to the vet's office. Sasha had gone blind. We don't know why. We don't know what happened, she had gone blind. I got to the house around 10:30 and she kissed my face, glasses and all, wagged her tail, and ate some warmed chicken broth, little did we know it would be her last meal. During the night she became sick and started to pass a lot of blood. We took her to the vet, who told us that there was not anything they could do. We made the super hard decision to end her suffering and put her to sleep. I believe she knew it was time. She was so calm and laid there in her favorite Scooby Doo blanket so calm. They took her back and prepped her leg then brought her to us to hold and to kiss and to cuddle with. The staff and the vet were so wonderful, so caring, so loving. Within seconds, she slipped from this earth, crossed over the rainbow bridge and went frolicking into the fields with Little Foot and Duke. We cried, sobbed, and held onto each other for dear life. We held her one last time, and bathed her face with tears and kisses, and like that we were left the vet's office to go make arrangements.
On Wednesday, we picked up our baby, held so preciously in a beautiful stainless steel urn with doggie paw prints on it, her collar, and her Scooby Doo blanket. We brought her home, placed her on the mantel and draped her collar around the urn. She now is with us at all times in the house and we are better and blessed for having her in our lives.
For our little angel Sasha, 14 August 2001 to 21 May 2011. We love you and miss you with all our hearts.
Until we meet you again at the rainbow bridge Sasha.
All our Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Friday, April 01, 2011
Thankful!
I've been a road warrior for the past three weeks, working in New Zealand, performing audits for my company. It's been great, but today is my last day in New Zealand, it's 6:50 PM here, Friday 1 April 2011. When most of you read this, it will be sometime Friday 1 April 2011, I will be in the air over the Pacific Ocean en route to Los Angeles. Then I will get to experience Friday, 1 April 2011 all over again!
I'm thankful to be coming home, to be in my own bed, and to eat at any fast food restaurant I want to (while in NZ, my contact wouldn't let me have McDonald's!).
I'm thankful to drive on the right side of the street, on the right side of the car...be it known far and wide, I a humble American boy from Henderson, Nevada, drove for one week in a sport utility vehicle on the opposite side of the road, on the opposite side of the car, and I didn't kill one person doing it...and then at the end of the trip, I repeated that daring feat!
I'm thankful that I will get to hear and see American TV that isn't behind by one or two seasons or episodes.
I'm thankful for my girls, I can't wait to see them. Doggone it, I'm just thankful and happy to be coming home...and to mow my grass!
See you all when I return.
J
I'm thankful to be coming home, to be in my own bed, and to eat at any fast food restaurant I want to (while in NZ, my contact wouldn't let me have McDonald's!).
I'm thankful to drive on the right side of the street, on the right side of the car...be it known far and wide, I a humble American boy from Henderson, Nevada, drove for one week in a sport utility vehicle on the opposite side of the road, on the opposite side of the car, and I didn't kill one person doing it...and then at the end of the trip, I repeated that daring feat!
I'm thankful that I will get to hear and see American TV that isn't behind by one or two seasons or episodes.
I'm thankful for my girls, I can't wait to see them. Doggone it, I'm just thankful and happy to be coming home...and to mow my grass!
See you all when I return.
J
Saturday, March 26, 2011
An Update
Curves, as in road curves, baseball curves, life curves. So when you're busy making plans, life throws you curves. That's what has been happening at our ranch here.
The last six months have been very complicated. So complicated, I decided not to share them with the blogging world at large. Many of you readers are friends and family, and you know intimately what is going on. I thank you on behalf of Princess and myself for your continued love and support.
For those that aren't informed, the complexity is very intimate and I will not share it here at this time. No, no one has a terminal illness. No, we haven't lost our jobs, or family members. It's just been a lot of soul searching going on at the ranch.
Please bear with us, give us lot's of patience as we muddle through and find the answer to the curves.
Again, thanks so much.
J
The last six months have been very complicated. So complicated, I decided not to share them with the blogging world at large. Many of you readers are friends and family, and you know intimately what is going on. I thank you on behalf of Princess and myself for your continued love and support.
For those that aren't informed, the complexity is very intimate and I will not share it here at this time. No, no one has a terminal illness. No, we haven't lost our jobs, or family members. It's just been a lot of soul searching going on at the ranch.
Please bear with us, give us lot's of patience as we muddle through and find the answer to the curves.
Again, thanks so much.
J
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Been Better
Hello all. I haven't posted in quite a while. Been Busy, but Been Better too. This may be my last post for a while as work is ramping up again and probably won't quit until the new year. Even then, I don't know if I'll be back to this when I do get some down time.
J
J
Monday, August 02, 2010
Coming to an end
Today is our last day of vacation, or our "staycation". We've enjoyed hanging around the house, doing some odds and ends, our day trip to Austin, the Apple Store, the Lego Store, lunch at California Pizza Kitchen, and Chuy's with Russell. It was a lot of fun mixed in with some relaxation and rest.
We would've loved to gone to Vegas and seen all (or as many as is humanly possible) our friends and family. Oh the places we would've seen:
We had great plans to visit our old Ward. To see Cardon and Karen, to see Janae, and Debra, and Jimmie Perry Jones. It was to be a great whirlwind tour of the valley.
Instead, we ate sandwiches, bought a new bedroom comforter set, going to buy paint for the bedroom, we ate peanut butter on crackers, watched movies - the last airbender, Killers, Salt, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, The Hangover, Valentine's Day, A Single Man, Everybody's Fine, and a slew of HGTV, Food Network, and DIY along with some HBO. We ate with the Mock's and the Lackmeyers and had a great visit from Russell for the day.
Princess slept in every day until at least 8:00 AM - she was in Heaven.
We cared for our Sasha, who is making small progress towards feeling better. The vet said it could take up to a month or longer, poor thing.
We are truly blessed and thankful for friends, families, and good times. Tomorrow we are back to work, it's going to be a long hot week here in Central Texas with temperatures above the 100 F mark all week.
I'll post some pictures later from our "staycation".
J
We would've loved to gone to Vegas and seen all (or as many as is humanly possible) our friends and family. Oh the places we would've seen:
- The Las Vegas Strip (new hotels and lights)
- The shopping (outlet malls, Big malls, and of course, Target)
- The Restaurants - Macayo's, Metro Pizza, In-N-Out Burger, Settobello, In-N-Out Burger, and many, many more
- The Hoover Dam
- The big Dinosaur on I-40
- Big Brown Mountains
We had great plans to visit our old Ward. To see Cardon and Karen, to see Janae, and Debra, and Jimmie Perry Jones. It was to be a great whirlwind tour of the valley.
Instead, we ate sandwiches, bought a new bedroom comforter set, going to buy paint for the bedroom, we ate peanut butter on crackers, watched movies - the last airbender, Killers, Salt, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, The Hangover, Valentine's Day, A Single Man, Everybody's Fine, and a slew of HGTV, Food Network, and DIY along with some HBO. We ate with the Mock's and the Lackmeyers and had a great visit from Russell for the day.
Princess slept in every day until at least 8:00 AM - she was in Heaven.
We cared for our Sasha, who is making small progress towards feeling better. The vet said it could take up to a month or longer, poor thing.
We are truly blessed and thankful for friends, families, and good times. Tomorrow we are back to work, it's going to be a long hot week here in Central Texas with temperatures above the 100 F mark all week.
I'll post some pictures later from our "staycation".
J
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